February 24, 2013
следующее выступление планируется 8.03 в пабе "Шаман", а девушка с которой я планировал работать, не сможет.
основные требования: адекватность, приятная внешность и фигура (небольшой рост и вес), желание быть связанной публично, хороший вестибулярный аппарат (чтоб не подвел во врмя подвеса), артистичнось.
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с надеждой на длительное сотрудничество!
February 19, 2013
January 11, 2013
December 10, 2012
Since Sir and I started this lifestyle when we got back together, it's been fantastic although I do wish we could be living together, otherwise I wouldn't have to make myself go through self-training. Typically the Top is the one who gives you the training and sometimes it just so happens to be on-the-spot. The last couple times I was with Sir, he had trained me to use the vacuum (which I do know how to use, but rarely use the vacuum in my place nowadays) as well as washing the dishes (had that under my belt, just didn't know where to put the clean dishes) and do his laundry, which he had to tell me how it was done; I have a washer and dryer on top of it, so it kills two birds with one stone for me...but Sir only has a washer so he had to tell me how to let his laundry dry after it's done with the washer.
Unfortunately, since Sir and I can't see each other as often now because I work, I make myself go through self-training which is pretty much the things I already know how to do long before we met and tidy up my place. I know there are more things I have yet to learn from Sir in the near future, but sometimes we make them up as we go along on this journey of our lifestyle. It's one thing to start anew, but it's another when we don't live together for reasons beyond our control.
I am grateful that Sir is not one to force anything upon me if there is something that is not to my liking, much less have me be trained to the point I lose all human nature and emotion. My former "Master" had tried that with me; his idea of a slave was that I had absolutely no voice unless he gave permission to speak, I would be deprived of (pretty much) all human nature and emotions to the point I'd be walking around like a robot, everything had to be all about him and no one else while I would have ever been good for was just to be fucked and object-ate me, so long as I was being stripped away of any human emotions. Sir on the other hand, tells me as an example, how he'd love to make me a footrest when we have company. I had told him I'm not too fond of it being all the time, but if it's every so often, then maybe I could give it a shot. We both agreed that half the things he'd like to do isn't going to be a 24/7 thing. While Sir is still new to the lifestyle Himself, he knows me much better than most (even my former "Master", I think) and I know he will do what he can to make things comfortable and enjoyable at the same time for both of us, which honestly is a major bonus for me. Being Sir's French maid and slave is one thing, being forced against will to live such a life without any emotions 24/7 is a completely different story...and one Sir would never allow to happen as long as we're together.
I'm slowly but maturely opening up to Sir when we talk about the more intimate things that will remain disclosed, but even I have difficulty being just as open to Sir as He is to me. This is something I have to constantly train myself to do and keep reminding myself that if He can be honest and open to me about his more intimate side of Him, I should be able to do the same without having any fears of being ridiculed and put down. That fear of being seen as someone Sir would never be able to handle has to be the reason why I have so much difficulty opening up to him like I used to. I always somehow believed if people found out about the more intimate things about me, I'd either be put down by society or be labeled as an outcast. Maybe in the eyes of the general public that despises the more outrageous things aside from some form of porn, but according to Sir, I am the same person as He is if only I allow myself to open up more of the things I would normally bury them six feet under and bring then with me to my grave. In due time, I will be able to open up to Sir about what else piques my curiosity and I'd love to try out or do with Him. For now, we're still taking baby steps and this is all we can do for the time being. Though I'm trying my best to be vigilant with searching for our own place to call home, it's becoming more frustrating when things are happening and they are beyond our control. We still have to keep pressing forward towards our future, regardless; when we got married and started our lifestyle that same day, we made a promise on both occasions on that same day that no matter what happens, we fight through every obstacle in our way together no matter who or what was blocking the road we're taking together.
December 9, 2012
I think back to the many conversations Sir and I have had, the many times we've been intimate from the beginning and the few times we've been able to be together since we started this lifestyle together...and quite honestly, since the start of the lifestyle, I've been more open towards Sir about the things that I would have kept to myself in the past because of the fact I didn't know if He'd find them to be a turn on or something he isn't too fond of. I know He has been very open and honest with me about Himself with me, even when we were friends turning into lovers back then. I still have a bit of tendency to keep things to myself when Sir has always told me from the very beginning I can tell him anything and everything that's on my mind without being scared about being so opinionated or biased about the few things that majority of people don't know about.
There was a conversation that was a couple months back, but I remember Sir telling me that every time we get into deep conversations about things we would have otherwise kept to ourselves (or only but a handful of people know about, IF applicable) and how He would have treated me if He could have everything go the way we wanted, I'm slowly but surely starting to not only open myself up more than I had previously, but revealing that I'm more of a sadomasochist. Sir also says he loves the dark side of me. Of course, He has His dark side as well and while only but a handful of them make me look at him like "you never told me this at all", majority of the things He tells me doesn't seem to phase me much, if not at all. It even sometimes helps to clarify some of the things I know of, but was never really given in such detail before. Now I'm starting to believe Him when he said that I'm becoming more sadomasochist...and the more I think of that plus the things we talked about, the hornier I become, the more I want it to actually happen (even if a handful of them can ONLY happen in writing and in my wildest dreams) and the more "I need to seriously be fucked" according to Sir.
While I knew of the terms, I could never tell the difference between the two and I didn't really have a proper introduction into the BDSM lifestyle, as I was forced into it through a former "Master". I put quotations on the entitlement because this "Master" claimed he knew what he was doing and what not, but in reality, his head is way too high up in the clouds to even realize he's gone way over his head and then some. I learned things as it happened, but a lot of the things this "Master" wanted me to do was forced upon me as if I had already done it a million times when I clearly had no idea what the fuck I was doing (for the most part, anyway) or in some cases, knew enough of it, but never had any hands-on experience. In short...I was but a goldfish in a tank full of sharks.
I really am grateful to have Sir as my husband and back in my life; in my pledge, I mentioned that Sir had "liberated me from a so-called Master"...that is exactly what happened when Sir and I got back together. Everything between us was falling back into place again and He is willing to teach me my role as his slave as well as respect my wishes in terms of anything He has in mind and wants to try them with me, but offers me a chance to learn more about it and speak my mind on the topic at hand. Sir is a keeper especially if the topic at hand is not to my liking for whatever the reason may be and I tell him honestly, He respects my opinions being spoken on the subject at hand. While my former "Master" was simply trying to make me become more of a robot without having any emotions at all, Sir will keep a firm hand on me while preserving the human spirit. Besides, He is not one to live this lifestyle 24/7, much less turn me into a robot without a smudge of humanity left in me. Sir may sometimes spank me as a form of punishment, smack my face, be as rough as He wanted to be with me, but He does it because it turns him on and when I do get punished, it really is to reinforce the lesson I need to learn at the time I receive my punishment. He also knows of my time being forced to do things against my will, though I do try not to bring it up anymore unless the subject makes me remember it all over again and now I know I should have just told Sir what was going on; how he might have felt at the time would vary upon on the severity of the situation, but I know Sir would have done anything to get me away from such treatment I was getting in any way possible.
While the lifestyle Sir and I share is very limited now because of my job and other circumstances each of us have at the moment, I still keep myself only to Him and no one else in every sense of the word. I can only hope that once our individual lives start falling back into place as it should, we will have more than enough to have our own place to call 'home' or have some sort of living arrangement until we have our own home; either way, once we are able to live with each other in one way or another, we will be able to start living our lifestyle in baby steps and learn more about each other as the days go by. For now, we can only dream it, talk about what we have planned out for our life together and wait out everything until our individuals fall back into place as it should.
December 8, 2012
PLEASE NOTE THIS IS ALL FROM MY OBSERVATION!!! I am not one who is in the psychology field who has done massive research on it OR one to consult with as I am still learning about the lifestyle myself.
Supposedly (from what I've seen on Facebook and Twitter) the wife is the boss in marriage, while in BDSM it's generally the Top who has the authority (unless of course the parties agree to switch and/or have equal say working out some sort of agreement/compromise to the lifestyle they live) so I look back on how I was raised upon the belief that the head of the household is the husband/father. Though Sir and I are happily married, I am not one to say "I'm the boss so what I say goes"...plus that would get me punished by trying to step on His toes. We believe that while Sir is the one with the final say in general, we talk to each other about everything and come to an agreement/compromise about certain things, especially when Sir wants my opinion on something. I can't recall a time when we didn't agree on something OR come up with a good enough compromise we can safely abide by for any particular situation.
In my humble opinion, it bothers me when some people will claim the wife is the "boss" in marriage; I was always raised upon the fact that the husband/father is the head of the household and he has the final say in everything, while the wife/his family has to abide by his rules. Though I don't strongly believe that the male should have all authority, he should still be the one to keep things in order for the most part, but share that same authority with his spouse to help balance out life. Though Sir and I don't have a family yet, but plan on it in the future, we've already discussed how our children will be raised and what will happen if they ever decide to get smart with either of us, to name a few. I would have just as much authority as Sir in terms of family, but I still leave it up to Him when it comes to a final say, though I will give him my opinion or suggestion if he allows me to or asks me for it.
The views of BDSM vary upon on what type of kinks get you and your partner going like rabbits, but while Sir and I continue to learn about our own lifestyle, for us it's almost the same as marriage, except Sir has all the authority (as if that didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out) and I have no say unless He allows me to speak on something. There may come a time in the near future when I want to switch and be a Domme to someone else for a while, if not Him...just to spice things up a bit and not make the day seem like a cookie-cutter routine. All in all, unless Sir will allow me to have some authority every once in a while to make things more interesting, He has the final say. At the same time, other couples have their own experience with the type of kinks that they gets them going and for the most part, since BDSM is very diverse with the many possibilities of fetishes that are known (regardless of the rarity of every single fetish) the authority can vary from strictly being one person or shared between the couple, leather/scene family or poly-amorous group; regardless of how many people are involved, it all comes down to having some sort of agreement within that particular party on who gets what portion of authority (if any) while still having the main person have most of the authority, have everyone in the group be equals and have no authoritative figure at all OR who gets all authority over their partner or group.
So I beg the question to all the readers: Be it marriage and/or BDSM, who do YOU think should be coveted as the boss and why?
December 7, 2012
As I've mentioned on the first entry, I gave my pledge to my Sir after we got married 'cause to us; even if marriage were legal in every sense of the word, we felt personally and spiritually it wasn't enough since we had been interested in starting a lifestyle but never had a chance to because of a situation that forced to go our separate ways for a few months. This is the pledge I gave to my Sir; the wording of the original pledge were edited here and there for adjustments, but it's still true to the original.
As I'm on my knees before you and having been liberated from being forced against my will by a so-called master, I continue to keep our promise we made to each other; when needed, I will obey your every command without question and I will not speak unless you allow me to do so; I give you my life, if need be. You shall receive all my love, loyalty, full attention, dedication, understanding, faith and trust as your slave to do what is right in this new life...I give you, Sir, nothing but only the very best of me.
Side note on the pledge: that so-called "master" is that same said person I mentioned in my first entry who forced himself to be a Master when clearly he was trying too hard and he is one conceited fucking bastard. I know that said person will NEVER admit to it as long as he's still alive, but I can tell you right now...that so-called "master" is not even worth anyone's breath, time or money.
Getting back to the topic in hand. My Sir had heard these words, accepted them and took me in as his slave. Prior to this, before and on the day we got back together, Sir had given me warnings that if I really want to go through with it, I cannot turn back and I'm stuck with it. He even gave me a last warning just before I gave him my pledge as a chance to back out entirely and he'd be alright with my decision to back out if I didn't feel I was ready or comfortable with the idea in the end. Personally for me, I felt it wasn't fair we didn't get a chance to live it at all and given the fact we split up for a few months, I felt I needed to make up for all the lost time between us.
After our lifestyle had started, Sir and I discussed a lot of things ranging from rules, training (which will eventually become a daily routine) and forms of punishment, my etiquette, protocol when I'm with Sir and dress code; what we'd include in our dream home, what kind of toys, gags and goodies we'd love to have in our future inventory to what is acceptable in our life and what's not...especially when it came down to any interaction I had with other men. Sir is very protective of me; he's always been protective of me, but now that we're married, he's more so than ever. At the very least, he doesn't feel the need to exert himself as the dominant male unless provoked or being challenged (which I hope will never have to happen) to the point he looks like a complete jackass in public, but he will keep a hawk's eye on me to make sure I'm okay and there isn't anything or a soul that is bothering me, plus I will never stray too far away from him.
Earlier this past August when Sir had given me my first collar with him, it was an experience; first it was a few minutes of punishment, then following protocol for a while afterwards, then came my collaring ritual. It was very simplistic, just the two of us as witnesses and once he fastened the collar to fit comfortably around my neck, that made my status as his slave more official. Though he's only tied me twice (first time was many years ago when I gave him all my trust in him to tie me and as a way to experiment) during our time together in general, this time he had me hog-tied and made absolute sure I wouldn't be going anywhere and he could do whatever he wanted to do with me. Though that day was short, it was Heaven.
Sadly since then, we haven't been able to meet up and especially with me working five nights a week, it makes meeting up much more difficult. I still make myself go through self-training when I'm about to at my place and if next time I see my Sir again (whenever what will be) I know he will have me do the things he's already trained me the last couple times I visited him to make sure I still had those skills under my belt. Last thing I want to do is be a disappointment to Sir and have him punish me, even though there's a part of me that enjoys being punished by him. I won't make it become a bad habit anyway. I do remind my Sir with this saying I saw online: Vous et nul Autre meaning "you and no other" in French...or even just saying "I love you" will do just fine. Still, I feel the need to remind him that I'm very committed in not just my marriage vows, but also my pledge as well. I know Sir is not one to openly express his feelings to anyone in public, but when it's just us together, it's all over me like you wouldn't believe. For now, all we can do is wait for the next time we are able to see each other again (just hanging out will do fine as well for us; sex and servitude isn't 24/7 for us) or maybe even spend a night together, if God willing.
December 4, 2012
By next Friday it'll be 10 months since my Sir and I have started our lifestyle together, though we both like to think we've started much earlier on...just never put too much thought into it until recently. But it wouldn't be proper without telling you how it all started...sorry if that sounded a bit cliche...and be sure to have your coffee or tea along with a full plate of food by your side 'cause it will be one VERY LONG read!!! Don't say I didn't warn you.
My Sir and I were actually friends from October 2005 when we were both on a friend's online radio show. In a way, we knew each other, but just from word of mouth through other people that knew us, but never had a chance to sit down and actually have a conversation with each other until that time. After a couple online radio shows later, we decided to swap numbers to really know each other outside the radio show. Time had went on from that point on, still talking on the phone to sending emails and (sometimes) writing out letters to each other. In that amount of time we kept in touch, we became much closer to each other than we thought. It even came down to the point when I invited him to see me a few months later at around March 2006. We went from friends to best friends and I wanted to keep it that way 'cause at the time, I was with someone else...but it was not to be...
Late April 2006, I needed to go to a museum for a research essay that just so happened to be close by my Sir's place. My Sir and I live in the same state, but not in the same city. I did need to go out there anyway...but it wasn't to the museum...it was to see him. After we became so very close to each other, part of us were becoming curious what it would be like to be intimate. We had agreed it would be a one-time thing and we would never speak of it nor act on it again. He had given me directions to the closest stop to his place, so we could meet up and he'd take me to his place. So yes, I was cheating on my ex with my Sir, but again, we had agreed it would be a one-time affair. We got intimate, even went as far as actually having sex. We both got what we wanted and as much as we enjoyed our time together, I had to go home. Little did we know that "one-time affair" was going to spark into something much deeper than just friendship, even though we'd still keep it. Before we knew it, we fell in love with each other. In a way, our meeting couldn't have happened at a much better time.
Not too long after my Sir and I fell in love, my ex proposed and even though I knew deep down my relationship with my ex wasn't going to work out in the end, I accepted under protest; my ex's eyes were literally saying to me "If you say no, it'll be the end of the world...PLEASE say 'yes'!!!" so in a way, I wasn't really allowed to say "no" without him being a snob about it. Four months of my life being engaged to my ex was a nightmare. Usually it's the women who go all out with the wedding-planning, it was my EX who was going all out planning everything when I hadn't even looked at a single wedding catalog. Crazy, I know. Even while I was engaged, I still was seeing my Sir behind my ex's back. I know what I was doing while being engaged was wrong, but to be quite honest, the love between me and my ex had actually went downhill and had been since I accepted his proposal. In late August 2006, the engagement was called off; my ex believed a lot of the bullshit lies he kept conjuring up in his head. The first person I turned to after the engagement was called off was my Sir. I told him what happened and from that day on, he was there for me and made sure I stayed focused on my healing process. It took a year and a half to get past the trauma, but my Sir was still there. Now that I think back to that time it took me to heal, I needed him more than I ever did before.
Years had gone by from that point on; events good and bad happened, my Sir introduced me to anime conventions, then I dared to go forth cosplaying...and the list goes on. Still throughout the years, we had always remained very close to each other, no matter what happened and he had told me things that other men before my Sir would have "promised" me but never actually fulfill. He has his way of keeping promises, but my Sir gets it done one way or another. Any little rumor we heard from people we knew, we'd just dust it off 'cause we know their attempt to separate us would not work at all. If at any point it would raise some sort of suspicion, we would clarify each other on it...and pretty much all of them had been debunked. In short, our time together had been nothing BUT heavenly bliss with very little arguing or hurting each other and hell a lot less drama!!!
Then came along this said person my Sir and I both know...yet we both hate; for each of us, there is some form of history with this said person. Seeing me being happy with my Sir made this said person jealous that he felt the need to act as if he had moved on and wanted to start over with each of us. How it would start over, depended on our situations, but this said person would slowly work his way back to earning our trust again. While my Sir was smart to be extra cautious, I unfortunately was still forgiving, although I had made the task of getting me to open up to this said person again was not as easy as he thought. While the details will not be disclosed (besides, there were too many things going on at one time, neither of us will remember everything) my Sir had heard a rumor about this said person and me doing things on an intimate level. While I tried to clarify my side of the story, little did I know this said person would openly display the more private moments like they were trophies for the world to see. That's as far as the details I WILL disclose. I had cut this said person out of my life for good at that point and I thought it was enough to save my relationship with my Sir. Unfortunately, it didn't; my Sir had cut me off on September last year and from that point on, I lost all control of myself and put myself in situations I would never dare do to myself, though it NEVER went as far as suicide.
For a few months, my Sir and I had lived our separate lives. While I tried to act as if I had moved on without my Sir and I couldn't have cared less about what was going on with him, my heart was still crying for him. I kept fighting with myself to not be in touch with him anymore and I'm sure it was the same for him as well. We were both hurting each other...and truth be told, this would be the ONLY time we've actually put ourselves in that position of hurting each other in a fit of bitter anger. Even so, I had never been with another man, much less fucked with a random man, even if I wanted to. My heart would not surrender itself to anyone BUT my Sir. After a while, I gave up on trying to fight off the fact I missed my Sir terribly...a lot more than I ever missed him in the past. I know he must have felt the same way as well. I tried to hide behind an alias name to talk to him, but he knew it was me the whole time somehow. When he told me he knew it was me the whole time, he felt it was time to see each other again.
February 5th of this year, we met up again since September last year. When we saw each other for the first time, the feeling was really off. The best way to explain is like meeting an estranged birth parent after a life-time of growing up without that person. That was me. He had lived alone the whole time we were apart and going back to his place was a sting of what I call bittersweet nostalgia; there were far too many memories and times we had spent at his place over the years. We had talked things over, cleared the air about a lot of things involving that said person as well. We both apologized for the hurt each of us did to the other and forgave each other. The whole time, my heart was literally pounding up on my ribs; I didn't have to press my chest against his for my Sir to feel my pounding heartbeat. I also cried a few times because after all the forgiving was said and done, there was a mix of emotions still running through me. I was still in the state of bittersweet nostalgia. My Sir just held me tenderly and hushed me while I continued to cry my eyes out. Eventually it came to pass, but also I almost could not look at my Sir straight in the eyes like I used to. I would make an attempt to look at his eyes, but then look down again or turn away when I got to some part of his face. Eventually this would come to pass, but it was much more difficult for me because looking into my Sir's eyes meant I could look directly into his soul and I loved doing that. But once I was able to look at his eyes again without darting away after a second, everything started to fall back into place. We agreed to start over again, then asked me if I wanted to start a lifestyle with him. I had nearly forgotten I had brought it to my Sir's attention shortly before the argument that caused us to split up. I agreed to it since I felt it wasn't fair that we had missed out on a lot in a few months, especially the sex, so this was the start of the Master/slave lifestyle we currently share. When I thought it couldn't get any better...it did...my Sir asked me to marry him while in the midst of "taking my virginity" (keep in mind I had never slept with any other man during the time apart...sex toys were not an exception either) and I accepted...on the condition that our ceremony would be private and very small with only the trusted friends we would choose to have as our witnesses, which was fine. When I asked for the date, it just so happened to be on Valentine's Day. I agreed, even though that also has a bad history with me; I started going out with my ex-fiance on that same day. I'd usually back out on it, but at this point, it would be nothing more than a memory.
February 14 of this year, we met up to a small town courthouse to get married. Even though it was sort of rushed, our chosen witnesses arrived on schedule and so did we. Because it was cold, I was layered while wearing my wedding dress, which was very simple. Our wedding was very simple and private like we agreed. Reception was just at a nearby diner afterwards. I kept my maiden name for my artwork, which my Sir was fine with, but also adopted his last name as well. While it was the best day of our lives, there would be many changes that would have to be made and the sooner they are taken care of, the better. But it didn't seem official enough to us; legally we are married, but we felt it would be more official to us if I gave him my pledge. Thankfully I wrote that separate from the vows for the wedding. My pledge, of course, would ONLY be between myself and my Sir in the privacy of his home. On both knees I gave him my pledge the same way as I gave him my wedding vows. He accepted it and there it was; the official start to our lifestyle. On August 10 earlier this summer, I had my Sir collar me with a collar and leash set I bought from an anime convention, so that makes our status more official.
Unfortunately, neither of us had enough money to live with each other after we got married, so we have to live separately and have been doing so for quite a while. Sometimes it's not too bad once in a while, but a lot of times we DO want each other's company, but whatever the reason would be from either side...it ALWAYS kept us from seeing each other. This had lead to more arguments than how it used to be many years ago, but my Sir knows how to get me to calm down and see things differently. Plus each of us is trying to get our individual lives back together without somehow interfering with the other's life affairs. We still keep in touch when we are able to, especially now when I started working again after some nine months of unemployment...nearly a year actually. As it stands right now, my Sir and I still live separately. I've been on a relentless hunt for a new place for my Sir and I to call 'home' since we got married. Eventually living separately just won't cut it for us anymore. With me working, I'm putting majority of my money towards our new home and other important things in life as well. As for my Sir, he likes his privacy so I can't really say much about it. In short, we're still looking for a way to be together "in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse 'til death do us part, for as long as we both shall live".
August 16, 2012
The evening began with the failed hunt of my wife Charlotte. We want to use weapons of Painball to run through the forest and branding to Charlotte with paint.
However, plastic beads (painting ammunition) caused much damage. (As you can see from the photos at the end). – Yes, what you see is a mark on my back.
For this reason, we settle for whipping Charlotte, who was hung by the feet of an old tree in the forest.
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August 16, 2012